Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts


Crocodiles are Tasty! : 5 Reasons Manggahan Should Rule Cebu's Resto Scene

Enthrallment is the new word I learned and it means to be fascinated of something so much you're an inch away from puking. I ate with my Lola at Manggahan Lahug and the lunch is almost an enthrallment. I say almost because the langaw, which is not the resto's fault, gives the store away.

Reasons The Manggahan is a place for foodies who are ready to be judged for eating scones and 6 luwags of unli MAIS and unli HUMAY.

1. They serve unlimited cups of mais for 15 bird's twat in the mouth of a hippo pesos. Unli humay is 20.

2. They have mirrors you CANNOT actually use, so that means you won't see yourself get fat from the shovels of rice you shove in your dry dysphoric mouth. Dysphoria is the opposite of Euphoria.

3. For decor they frame quotes in beautiful typography from Frances Hodgson Burnett's The Secret Garden because the resto is a garden and because you know, they want you to rule the Trivia Nights.

4. The Humba (P50) and Lomi (P60) in what I am sure is floating in Campbell soup and the almost liver spread texture Barbecue nga Atay sa Baboy (P9 each stick) are delicious in a very decently priced suki carenderia way, and that's fine because familiarity gives you safety and you know that eating at a clean artsy wifi-ready restaurant with a USB outlet for charging and compelling exhibit of scarred mirrors and that serves stuff your reliable Turo-Turo sa Unahan can deliver well is kind of not bad. Well, kind of. 

It's still better to eat in fancy pretentious restaurants if you ask me, says no one.

5. They have Crocodile Sisig and if Alejandro's Crispy Pata has claimed the tag line "The Home of the Best Crispy Pata in Town", Manggahan should also claim the line: MANGGAHAN: We Serve Crocodiles. 

Manggahan: 30 wilson st., Apas , 6000 Lahug, Cebu City, Philippines


The New Old Spaghetti House and How Its Vietnamese Spaghetti Changed A Life

1. The only Old Spaghetti House in the Visayas inside SM CITY CEBU beside the Gelatissimo Kiosk (not Consolacion nor Seaside) reopened months ago after doing changes to its already distinct and warm look. We never cared much about how the restaurant has old memorabilia of Coca Cola products and supposedly vintage posters because we mostly never cared about a restaurant's look. We're deeeep people, you know. We're complicated.

2. The only reason I come back to the place is the Vietnamese Spaghetti without shrimps. I went back there last night because I needed garlic in my system and there was no garlic soup in French Baker and Pizza Hut and Jollibee (oh no, Jollibee has no garlic soup? That's weird!) and the P95 TOSH pasta has so much garlic the Aswang in you's gonna be like, WTF, dood! Vietnamese Spaghetti delivered and is still a masterpiece.
The New Old Spaghetti House is a place of good garlic pasta.

3. I met there Martin Castillanes the Manager, who turns out to be my friend still and was linked to my ex and was my roommate in freshmen high (oohhh..freshmen high soounds sosyal!) and is composing music ala-Perfect-Pitch Anna Kendrick and David Guetta and does Mixed Martial arts and is my friend and is my friend and is my friend. Bisaya Short Films will connect with his being to make the world a better place, simply put.

P.S. Thanks Martin for the supreme TOSHMANIA membership card/keychain/Shuriken that can get me freebies in TOSH and Fully Booked and that is only given to people who spend 7X the amount I spent there last night. I await our music collaboration and may the force be with us. Also, People, watch out for The Old Spaghetti House "All You Need is Love" promo, which I'll blog asap. Shout out if you want freebies!

The Old Spaghetti House is the place of good Vietnamese Garlic Pasta. I don't know about the rest. Yet.


Eyes Don't Eat: A Review Of One Claypot Restaurant

Part 1 of One Claypot

Batman Tastes One Claypot Chicken Wings and probably likes it. Or I don't know.

1. The Chicken Wings are probably just a spoonful butter away from tasting like Popeye's Supreme Chili Wings and East West's Chicken Wings, which is good.

2. The Pasta Dish with Prawns is a comfort food. Portia loved the shrimp toppings that I didn't care about. The pasta is comfort food, kind of like French Fries, but minus the everything. What I mean by comfort food is that you can eat a potful of it if you're not being careful or you're being emotional about your ex-boyfriend who left you for a pussy, like literally a cat, because she can't afford keeping you and a

3. The claypot room is like a turtle-shell, and yes, I've been inside a turtle shell. The world is my turtle. It's too small, but the affect of silver stickers and typography tricks works so well you don't notice that you're probably just inside a room the perimeter size of two Jollibee restrooms for the disabled.

Part 2 of One Claypot

1. Overheard from the coming girls: Oh, mao diayng Claypot (referring to the small size of the room)

2. The Lalalah Claypot Rice Dish is dregs, mulch, a residue of all the wrong immoral things in this world; it's too salty for any normal person's taste, the burnt smell is annoying and it pretty much tastes like nothing, all I can taste is the chorizo, chicken and the egg. Why has the owner brought this to the Philippines? To torture us? To mock our scarce budget for trying out good food? To be pretentious and cheat us and pretend that we're eating gourmet food? And why have the reviews out there said the Claypot is good? Were they paid to lie? Lalalah Claypot is not lalala-lami. It's literally Lalalalala-lamaw.

3. I took an extra handful amount of tissue paper to compensate for the immorally bad taste and I will extend lengths not to come back there again because although the room looks nice, my eyes don't eat. I need my P150 back.

Update as of February 4: In fairness to Claypot, I just realized that since last night most of the food I gorge in tastes like nothing, probably because I still have a runny (or JOG-gy?) nose and other flu symptoms. But I ate the Nobel Peace Prize-wiiner Chinese Ngohiong and its Pulitzer Prize-winning sauce last night and it tasted okay. Anyone figuring this out? I might come back to Claypot to conclude this. Also, there's an interesting comment below, read it and be happy you're not anonymous.

One Claypot Cebu City is a supposedly good place I'm never coming back to again.


032 (ZeroThreeTwo) Things You Can Do With A Krispy Kreme Cap

This is a rejected ZeroThreeTwo Article. Here's Carlo of ZeroThreeTwo's rejection message:  

Hi Richard!
Haha Thanks for the entertaining write up. Unfortunately, we won't be able to use this because it has to be a "Cebu-centric" article. Maybe you have other topics in mind that touches on Cebu?

  1. Photoframe - Why buy one when you can make it for free? But there’s no such thing as free lunch so it is politically not. 
  2. Cap - Obviously.
  3. Pen holder - Pencil case is expensive and made of plastic, so bad for the environment. Make your own please because aren't you awesome?
  4. Pencil case - see photo
  5. Cellphone case - you wanna hide your phone while in the beach? Put it in the cap and leave it on the sand. Safe.
  6. Notebook - write on the blank areas of the cap and make a unique love letter you send to your ex!
  7. Cut out the letters and use them in greeting cards - You have letters from KRISPY KREME, so you only need letters I,L, O, V, E, Y, O, U, A, N, N, and A.
  8. Bookmarks - see photo
  9. Remote Control Holder - put it inside the cap and hide it from your kids who always hide the remote from you because they’re cute mean kids from Michael Haneke’s The White Ribbon film.
  10. Bills holder - make your depressing bills fun to read by hiding them in this cap.
  11. Cellphone case - need to hide your phone from your boyfriend? Hide it here.
  12. Money hideout - see photo
  13. Paper airplanes - yup, don’t waste new paper by making paper airplanes you throw away. Use the cap paper instead and for sure you won’t throw them away because it’s cute.
  14. Fan  - Going to church? Don’t sweat. Fold the hat fifteen times and fan yourself free.
  15. Organizer for important letters - put all your important data here and hide them from purloining adults. New word: purloin. Look it up so you get smarter. Cebuanos should be smarter.
  16. Secret Love Letter Envelope - worried that the father of the girl you’re courting would ruin your wedding proposal? Hide your letter inside the cap and give it to your girl.
  17. More stuff you can do. Contact us so we can teach you how to do these: Table balancer
  18. Id holder
  19. Dangling earrings holder
  20. Proposal Message Holder
  21. Pick-up Line Holder
  22. A Greeting Card
  23. Resignation Letter from Krispy Kreme
  24. A Clip Art for Your Krispy Kreme Application Letter
  25. Serving Tray for Your Donuts
  26. Envelope
  27. English Grammar Guide
  28. Rice cooker holder
  29. Paint brush holder
  30. Dustpan
  31. Cellphone accessory
  32. Awesome Speakers amplifier 

Written and Plagiarized from the thoughts of 
Richard  J. Tandoc A.
a person who does graphics, 
writes fiction and makes "Bisaya Short Films" 
(please don't google it). 
His recent achievement: 
to date. 


3 Interesting Things About Persian Palate Food

1. Specifically the Persian Palate Chello. It's actually pretty tasty. And you have got to love the fact that it's an authentic Mediterranean kebab dish. I mean, what piece of kebab that tastes like a pretty much average fast-food burger patty couldn't be considered Persian?

2. More elaboration on its being a kebab. All the while I was eating it I couldn't  remember not being reminded of the last burger meal with rice I had from Jollibee. In fact, it's pretty much just Jollibee burger patty without the more fulfilling gravy and the overcharged price. Which is good really, because how else could you brag the fact that you've eaten in a finer resto like Persian Palate if it wouldn't cost you about a quarter less to dine in such a very un-classy but almost always satisfying fast food bistro as Jollibee? It's hard to make yourself think you're better than anyone else if you just eat a filling P39 Beef and Rice meal. Eating cheap is like not owning a car: a Filipino trait that signals you're poor and do not deserve the kind of respect people who own 15 houses and 13 cars get, unless of course they're from The Church.

3. And what food review would be complete if you didn't write about the specialty food, other than almost more than half of the good food in the world that you don't really have to write about because who brags about food anyway? Except of course South Korea. That Kim Jong Il's a reason it'll not be that long before writing something like this has got to be one of the funniest things man can do. Anyway, Persian Palate's specialty would be its grilled tomato and butter. Such exquisite drama from something mundanely organic. Such expertise at knowing what feels authentic and rich. Who could've thought you could charge a tomato you can get grilled back home and a slab of butter you can hustle for free down that favorite sandwich kiosk of yours, so high that you couldn't find it hard to brag for yourself that you're now better than the rest of the people who don't even know what dinner means? Who cares about the people in the streets when I'm rich and God wants me to be rich and I can eat this meal that God blessed me to have and I'm actually pretty sure God's always telling me it's not wrong for me to reason out anything any one else considers wrong, as right, right?

My Tuna and Tomato dish. But you don't have to know this because you're rich and own cars.


The 6 Unbelievably Simple Reasons Why The Genius of Mang Inasal Is Destined For Success

Official Bisaya Short Films Warning: Food intake of any kind must seriously be self-regulated, unless it's your thing to get super hyped-up about anything that's edible that you don't mind seeing yourself forced to sit on two chairs combined because you can't fit in just one.

1. I'm not exactly sure if the "Unlimited Rice" strategy originally came from them, but I certainly know that using the word "Unlimited" to the no. of servings of rice that customers can gorge in single sitting couldn't be theoretically possible and that is humor. And I approve of humor.

2. They're with Gawad Kalinga. "Like that even means anything", as a million of cynical readers of my blog would say (oh, did I say one million?I meant 5). You know what? It kind of does, if it's Gawad Kalinga. If only for the fact that nobody really lives forever.

3. The Chicken Oil they serve has been proven to make me less sad.

4. Nothing too special with the taste of their "Inasal" (grilled chicken to those who spend their days forcing themselves they didn't have brown skin), but that's saying a lot knowing I live in Cebu and we're a cognoscenti in grilling fowl.

5. The brown, red and yellow colors in the ambiance of the resto. Kind of evil really, as they've probably been proven to make you want to eat more. But Unlimited is impossible. So it's Win-Win...?

6.They use banana leaves as plates, which, at the rate of the Global Warming scheme we're in, could mean we'd have at least a few days more to figure out what the hell is the deal with those douchies owning 15 houses. Somebody should make a law against those who abuse the reason "But I feel unfulfilled without them."

Notes: I wonder if Mang Inasal people are awesome enough to support the Sukang Pinakurat in the current Datu Puti competition case.

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