Showing posts with label Girls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Girls. Show all posts


Tuslob Buwa in Hyper Cebu is Perfect For Janet Napoles

1. Hyper Cebu's Tuslob Buwa should be a required meal for Janet Napoles for two weeks straight, 3x a day, because she deserves it.

2. Hyper Cebu's Drop Decay's song O.T.I.N. should be the theme song of the B.O.T.O. website, which is about Buy One Take One promos:


Murag Mahadlok Mo's Martha Marcy May Marlene

Me: Usas pinaka BEAUTIFUL ug SAD ug SCARY nga DRAMA nga salida ang MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE ug sobra siya kakulba nga salida para sa mga naay APORIA nga taw, mga paranoid, mga ako. Mag tan aw kong ELISABETH OLSEN, maka DOWN na, maka wag umoy. 

Ang Kulto Dynamics most especially scary kay it is/might be the NPA, where it's like TO KILL IS THE ONLY TRUTH and WE SHOULD BE RIGHT BECAUSE WE CREATE IT! How to REALLY know? Last time I felt like this was watching DEMONLOVER starring Chloe Sevigny sa Film Fest sa Ayala. Ang ending sa MARTHA pareha ka nauseous ug kahadlok sa DEMONLOVER, kana ganing, hanging, pero mas mu paibabaw ang pamati nga kamatayon ray makasulbad sa problema? 

Nganong mga fashionista man ang makabuhat ug pinakahadlok nga mga sturya? Tungod ba kaha tawo ang mga kinaon sa mga saktog pamanit nga gwapa?

Ryan: Hi. OMG I REALLY asked if you liked it!

Amy Poehler: I don't care if you like it.


Wowoowilliee Whatever Works Because of White Chicks and Humor

1. Willie Revillame's humor is pinoy and deserves a bisection from sociology and psychology researchers. It is instinctual and still smart. Good job.

2. Call me sexist, but the lady dancers are sexy. When they grind, body blood levels of men rise. When they dance, you forget you're supposed to be smart and intellectual and a reader of deep intelligent postmodern books. You forget to pretend.


6 Things You Might Hate/Love About Enchong Dee's The Strangers

1. Julia Montes in full acne system looks hot, but needs to un-act more.

2. The only van scene that has solid dialogue reminds me of Little Miss Sunshine and the entire movie, Rashomon. Or Jay, if you will. And Julian Barnes’ The Sense of An Ending.

3. The guy from The Kitchen Musical reminds me of the only vivid image I have of Ralph Fiennes’ sniper scene in Schindler’s.

4.  If you think like me and you're not a stupid judgmental Einstein, you'd like The Strangers.

5. No soundtrack would make the film more scary. JM. De Guzman should be in my Bisaya Short Film.

6. Janice de Belen's most riveting moment: Seemingly Instagramming while taking number two/poo.

Rating: As pleasurable as a McDo Iced Coffee.


Super Inday and The Golden Bibe and The Duck Under Marian Rivera's Skirt

Although I could barely remember anything about the movie except that Maricel Soriano and Aiza Seguerra were both entertaining in it, the original Super Inday is one of my rare memories of early great Philippine Cinema. Which makes this sort of review of the Marian Rivera version Super Inday and The Golden Bibe directed by Michael Tuviera a worthwhile year-ender task. Not that her skin and comedic timing couldn't be reason enough. As far as I'm concerned she isn't really Dingdong Dantes' woman. And no I'm also not writing this review just because I feel my P160 should get me more. Well, I kind of am, but that's not the point. Here are:

1. Pokwang's funny here, as she always professionally is. Her all-out almost always screaming tone though when she does jokes can be painful to watch. It almost feels like it'll be no time before her voice gets turned into Gollum's. Also, her klajsdgchukar rua language is a perfect signal Pinoy language's about to be universal. Mylene Dizon's "That woman is in my pool" (still makes me laugh as of this writing) deserves a place in classic Filipino lines. Along with "Bababa ba?" and "Mommy, yung sharpener ko hindi na sharp."

2. Holy creep there's an actual duck under Marian Rivera's Skirt. Duck. Under. Marian Rivera's Skirt. Sounds like they're one letter away to get rated R.


3. Something awkward with the Tagalog dialogue. Especially on supposedly dramatic scenes. Or maybe they're also supposed to be funny. Like a joke on how bad Tagalog movie writers could write.

4. Credit to the writers. When Jake Cuenca tells Jestoni and Mylene, "Ang ganda ng garden niyo/You have a beautiful garden, " you can barely see a garden. There were some flowers, but they're obviously made of Japanese paper. Good job. Also, the barong-wearing zombies' choreography is superb. Finally some concrete EDUCATIONAL proof that SHOWTIME losers have a bright future.

5. I'm partial to Elephantiasis-suffering robots and other toys. There was literally no scene that involved them that I didn't blurt my self out laughing to full shame. Super Inday and The Golden Bibe could have sequels and it's unlikely that I'll miss them if they still involve the same Marian and Robotic bodies.

6. That precocious "mambobote" (Person who sells used bottles for a living) saying something like "Bakit? Proud naman ako sa marangal kong trabaho" sounds a bit like a social commentary on the plight of Filipino minors. I guess there's nothing really wrong with collecting bottles all day as a job to feed a family of six because both your two fathers and two grandmothers are bed-ridden and your two sisters are currently both in Grade 4 for the second time, but being able to eat 2 days a meal instead of one could be a better option. How about this: get that kid to live an Erap Estrada life for a month then ask him if he still wants to be a mambobete afterwards. If not, let's continue abusing Filipinos' knack for adapting and keep on saying that getting almost no wage is actually better. Because, hey, it's not like money matters in heaven.

Hi! My Name is UltraMean and I don't care if my house is this big and I'm this small.

7. When dealing with Abandonment Issues, do not oversimplify. Consider the issue of whether to forgive irresponsible parents as a sex scene in a PG movie like Toy Story: it's a taboo that nobody in the right mind would do. See, I even made you a rhyme.

8. Jestoni Alarcon's role tells me this: Don't have kids if you're the kind of father who owns a land the size of two U.P. Diliman campus and still want to go to Europe and leave your kids to some househelp you just  got literally outside your house because you're still in need and want of money. Old and troubled enough kids kill.

9. You know that question about where ducks go when it's cold? Super Inday and The Golden Bibe might have the answer I can live with.

10. Skip this if you can't handle scientific truth: Some of the dreams where Marian Rivera is involved cause me to lose not less than half a cup of bodily fluid. Please don't judge...her.

Wow I never thought the reasons could be a Top 10, too. Well, it really wouldn't have been if I included there this most important lesson I learned from Marian Rivera's Super Inday: to survive a Philippine city sometimes you need to assume that cars talk. 

Happy New Year Marian Rivera and to my 5 Million Readers (Did I say 5 million? I meant  6). Call me. No, really. Please. If you're not Marian Rivera, can you tell me what you think of her in general, if not in this movie?


6 Reasons To Watch Easy A Starring Emma Stone

It's good something like Easy A is in Bisaya Cinema for everyone who just can no longer bear the amazing humor of Petrang Kabayo to enjoy. Not that Vice Ganda isn't a force to reckon. To help you decide whether to skip this or it's a go, give this guide a try.

1. It's got Emma Stone in it, which pretty much sums up the reason why you should also be looking for her in Superbad and Zombieland. They're just as necessary for you to be like the genius you really want to be even if you don't really want to read.

2. Stanley Tucci plays a father. In Easy A he's got a line saying he was previously gay, but said in a way that isn't just dubious, but also funny. Watch out for that.

3. It's oddly a homage to Coke Zero being tweeted is something you should learn how to make fun of.

4. Lisa Kudrow is there, but not in a role you'd like her to be, but then again, who wants to watch her outside Friends? No seriously be nice to her.

5. Using references to a gnome, Huckleberry Finn, Scarlett Letter and 80's chick flicks might be something you can a learn a lot from when deciding to dominate the world with your short films.

6. Emma Stone will be in a Bisaya Short Film.


Carey Mulligan Will Be In A Bisaya Short Film

Image from

I watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps alone. Actually, not quite. I was with Carey Mulligan, which pretty much sums up the very of my emotional universe right now. Curse you, Shia LaBeouf and your stupid surname. Who has that name?

There were scenes in the movie that made me laugh. Oliver Stone's attempt to do like some sort of modern feel filmmaking effect (probably seeing too much Aronofsky films and thinking hey I might not be too old to make something this cool ---bsshkk---cut clip, focus eyelid, zoom in to a pupil, change still, fast forward, binary nos. running down the screen because if there's one true modern movie effect to best represent the meltdown it's The Matrix from the noughties. Classic and REALLY authentic, Oliver. Or should I say, that's really OLIVER, what you did haha it's crap, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps) makes me sad but I have to admit are a bit happy too. That scene where a splash of ocean waves was for half-a-second shown? That made the guy seats away from me appear to feel left out; probably also because I chortled in a way you can only do when watching such a clearly attention-worthy not-such-a-waste-of-my-dead-life Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps movie. The ooze-coming-out-of-my-nostrils-kind. And he of course has seen this because hey it's not like it's all too dark in the movies. Also, this was the guy who I was pretty sure just half-pretended to get shocked in a scene of the movie to show his interest and wit that he really got it. I didn't get most of the dialogue and it's OBVIOUSLY just because of Tinnitus because it's not like I'm dumb or anything like that (Is Papua Guinea not a continent?). Every time I got bored though I just imagine an executive in the very austere meeting nose-exploring in just as austere manner. Now that's entertainment copyrights German Moreno.

Of course everybody knows it's just about Carey Mulligan, the reason I was there. What else could there be? Did you just see that smile? That movement of the eyelids? Oh my god. Now I have to look what taut means and use it in everyday conversations in coffee shops, which will go look something like this,

"And may I have your name, sir?"
"Can you make it taut, please?."

Those who like the last Indiana Jones drivel might like Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, so call your dad, who adopted you now.


Chrestine and I


Days ago was my first time to watch a Star Cinema movie since I last met Chrestine. It was Sayo Lamang starring Bea Alonzo and actors who are not, well, her. When I was 16 I planned to no avail to make a website using Bea Alonzo pictures as front page because she reminded me of the girl I once made to chase me around the school quadrangle because I found out she was letting herself on to a guy who once scoffed at my spoiler that Gandalf in the Peter Jackson's Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King adaptation was no longer The Gray but The White, and now officially label as the kind of phony you would never want to smooch with even after she vomits to bonkers, no, wait, especially when she vomits after drinking with her and another girl friend in the room she never had from her brother the permission to use nor from me to mock the short films I made her to watch in.Strangely enough, the short film I did was a 5-minute clip of this guy, walking.

Bea Alonzo in the first three minutes of Sa'Yo Lamang convinced me she was really good at acting austere, but nevertheless the kind of phony who deserves being featured in the homepage of a horny teenager's high-school HTML-based website assignment. Our computer instructor, by the way, was hot and not male.

Sa'Yo Lamang's the funniest show I saw this month. In a scene where Bea Alonzo was saying something like "Tama na, sumasakit na ang isip ko!" (Stop it, my head's hurting!), she touched her neck at the mention of the head. It made me and Chrestine laugh so hard because a neck isn't the head and I checked about the audience to see if we're not the only one who thought this. We're the only one.

Chrestine also thought Deither Ocampo's body looked off and ugly. Apparently she's not alone:

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