What Cebu City Can Learn From Barack Obama’s Recent Win: A Message From A Philippine Politician

by Senator T2 Saw2

So now that Barack Obama is re-elected, I, Senator Teetoa Sewtwo, your devoted God’s-gift-to-the-city public service person, (not servant, because I’m rich so being a servant is ewww to me) I, the Saviour of The City, should remind you of the things our city of Cebu should continue doing in order to be like the United States we all love. As in, love, like how Imelda Marcos loves her shoes.

1. Enjoy Yourself and Buy More Gadgets You Don’t Need and Want
Why would you buy an iPod touch that already has all the features you need when an iPhone is a better symbol of your being a social climber? Who cares if your mother didn’t eat three meals a day abroad just to buy and save you that stupid gadget in time for your 3rd 2-month long birthday party, right? Yes, having a smartphone makes you smarter, but don’t worry. You don’t have to be smart to own a smartphone.

2. Forget the children in the streets.
Remember the 7-year-old children you passed by sa CCMC, nga nanigarilyo? He's/She's/It's not you, so why would you care? Don’t worry about him/her/it, though. They're not your problem, right? They better die, right? They're trash, right? They're better off dead, right? You shouldn't help them kay manganad lang nya no, right? As in, di na niya sila mu-work kay magsalig niya nimo, right?And ayawg tuo when your stupid dumb idiotic and super bogo bogo way kwenta boang friend tell you nga, "Sure jud ka nga magsalig sila nimo? Sure ka nga nag tinapulan rana sila maong naghigda nana sila sa dan? What is your mathematical differential-calculus-derived proof? Do you have the receipts!? Show me the receipts! Sure ka dili na tungod sa pagka hangol sa mga politiko? Sure ka dili na tungod....nimo nimo nimo nimo. Nimo. Nimo....? ?

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Besides, where would we the God-given politicians get the taxes from charities if we no longer have the street children to “charitize” from? How would our wives look generous and egalitarian to all their society friends and amigas and Gods if they have no destitute children to derive their generousness appearance from?

3. Do not read books for leisure. All you need to learn since kindergarten is in the Bible.
Really, don’t. Not even Fifty Shades of Grey, much less the books the characters in the Fifty Shades of Grey read. What do you need books for when books are making you smart? Why read those when the Bible is more than enough to make you stupid? Smartness is for losers and for people to get better jobs and better skills and awesome opportunities. It's better to be stupid but God-fearing and religious and unemployed and ultra-illiterate.

4. Tell people they’re stupid and chaka.
Always do this because it hides your insecurity briliiantly, like how a gay man hides from her self. Dismiss everyone you dislike as chaka/batig nawng/murag maid/bayot/maya/faggot because this is the right thing to do in your opinion and this is democratic and nothing’s stopping you from doing cute stuff that elevates your almost insatiable ego. You're free to be stupid and mean, so why would you change? If you’re a teacher, tell your students they’re probably not going to succeed. Saying this challenges them to try harder and makes them better people who later on will tell and inspire children to work harder and succeed. If these children get to be politicians like me, then let’s thank the teachers for inspiring them.

5. You only live once, so have fun with your short finite life.
Drive your motorbike drunk and while texting with no helmet and, heck, no pants on, just for the thrill. Ride your motorbike while doing jumping jacks. Turn your radio on full-volume and annoy your neighbors. Be in the middle of two "friendships". If you have earphones, listen to music until you hear nothing. Hear nothing good from your friends by always being negative about their good intentions. There are no good intentions. People are after you. Cheat or be cheated. There is no good, so just be ahead.

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