Dead Cat, Kafka On The Shore and The White Ribbon

Even if I almost immediately stared away from it I knew the cat was dead because its innards were gushed out of its body in a dried so-burnt-it-was-white kind of way. I also knew I had to look away from it because I keep photos of cats with funny captions from Cheezburger Network on my phone. My phone has actually no cellular connection so other than its look it really has nothing to do with being the usual communication gadget most people who didn't get the chance to learn the conflict mineral issue in Congo, have. The Congo issue basically says your cellphone parts are most likely mined and produced by raped little girls.

The dead cat reminded me of Haruki Murakami's Kafka On The Shore. Although the dead cat I saw was in certain degrees supposed to be more haunting because not only is no one certain who is most likely to blame for the cat's death, people around the lying cat on the road can't also seem to be bothered to even get it away from the streets so it won't be ran over again. For the third time. Or even none, since who is to say the cat wasn't hammered to blotches by a group of Cebuano twelve-year-olds who took literally Michael Haneke's White Ribbon?

A Good Year

I was in the kind of coffee shop where the barista tries to up your order of Tall Mocha Latte and you realize there's not that much reason to say No, so you spend extra 10 bucks for something you knew right away you'll feel bad about later.

  And then I start to read. Then think about Marion Cotillard's substituted line in A Good Year, the movie being screened in this cafe's free TV. Then I realize how wrong I was in railing against this movie. Who would've thought this movie could be this brilliant if we didn't let all the actors talk and just stream running images of Russell Crowe and Marion Cotillard?

Then of course I had to watch these ladies in front of me lay-out a photo album. It's partly a scrapbook, because they're using green paper-cut-outs shaped into those kind of round flowers you make as a kid. Those flower shapes that never seem to capture any real flower's shape, if you think about it.

Then I was now watching the barista watch these ladies finish their scrapbook. And then I hear her tell the lady customers, "Wow! That's really good. "

Whatever happened to conflict of interest, I'm happy.

The Status of Minor Cebuano Addicts

The other night there was a theatre show in celebration for town fiesta a few blocks away from where I was sitting, which might as well be a celebration of everyday, considering it's easier to count the days we're not celebrating one than the opposite. It was presented as mainly about a guy who was doing drugs and felt like a big failure at the end. Then he supposedly realized he was wrong and should've followed his parents' advice.

Now I don't know about you, but if trying to solve this problem is now just being dismissed as to be this simple, I'd have every crap I own ebay-ed pronto so I can totally start shoveling all those druggy cooly thingies down my dried N-methylamphetamin-virgin throat. For if this is now how everyone generally seems to don't give a quack about the day to day insanity-driving struggle to prevent and cope with having a drug-committed kid and the people most likely to be doing drugs are certainly not the most adaptable and cared for among the lot as it is, then you would be crazy not to think you might as well just be doing the thing, right? Unlike the other, at least drugging still might have some remotely even almost impossible chance of height worthy to still look forward to in such circumstances.

Cebuanos, think it through. Or you might end up getting the wrong kind of kids to raise.

Super Inday and The Golden Bibe and The Duck Under Marian Rivera's Skirt

Although I could barely remember anything about the movie except that Maricel Soriano and Aiza Seguerra were both entertaining in it, the original Super Inday is one of my rare memories of early great Philippine Cinema. Which makes this sort of review of the Marian Rivera version Super Inday and The Golden Bibe directed by Michael Tuviera a worthwhile year-ender task. Not that her skin and comedic timing couldn't be reason enough. As far as I'm concerned she isn't really Dingdong Dantes' woman. And no I'm also not writing this review just because I feel my P160 should get me more. Well, I kind of am, but that's not the point. Here are:

1. Pokwang's funny here, as she always professionally is. Her all-out almost always screaming tone though when she does jokes can be painful to watch. It almost feels like it'll be no time before her voice gets turned into Gollum's. Also, her klajsdgchukar rua language is a perfect signal Pinoy language's about to be universal. Mylene Dizon's "That woman is in my pool" (still makes me laugh as of this writing) deserves a place in classic Filipino lines. Along with "Bababa ba?" and "Mommy, yung sharpener ko hindi na sharp."

2. Holy creep there's an actual duck under Marian Rivera's Skirt. Duck. Under. Marian Rivera's Skirt. Sounds like they're one letter away to get rated R.

3. Something awkward with the Tagalog dialogue. Especially on supposedly dramatic scenes. Or maybe they're also supposed to be funny. Like a joke on how bad Tagalog movie writers could write.

4. Credit to the writers. When Jake Cuenca tells Jestoni and Mylene, "Ang ganda ng garden niyo/You have a beautiful garden, " you can barely see a garden. There were some flowers, but they're obviously made of Japanese paper. Good job. Also, the barong-wearing zombies' choreography is superb. Finally some concrete EDUCATIONAL proof that SHOWTIME losers have a bright future.

5. I'm partial to Elephantiasis-suffering robots and other toys. There was literally no scene that involved them that I didn't blurt my self out laughing to full shame. Super Inday and The Golden Bibe could have sequels and it's unlikely that I'll miss it if it still involves the same Marian and Robotic bodies.

6. That precocious "mambobote" (Person who sells used bottles for a living) saying something like "Bakit? Proud naman ako sa marangal kong trabaho" sounds a bit like a social commentary on the plight of Filipino minors. I guess there's nothing really wrong with collecting bottles all day as a job to feed a family of six because both your two fathers and two grandmothers are bed-ridden and your two sisters are currently both in Grade 4 for the second time, but being able to eat 2 days a meal instead of one could be a better option. How about this: get that kid to live an Erap Estrada life for a month then ask him if he still wants to be a mambobete afterwards. If not, let's continue abusing Filipinos' knack for adapting and keep on saying that getting almost no wage is actually better. Because, hey, it's not like money matters in heaven.

Hi! My Name is UltraMean and I don't care if my house is this big and I'm this small.

7. When dealing with Abandonment Issues, do not oversimplify. Consider the issue of whether to forgive irresponsible parents as a sex scene in a PG movie like Toy Story: it's a taboo that nobody in the right mind would do. See, I even made you a rhyme.

8. Jestoni Alarcon's role tells me this: Don't have kids if you're the kind of father who owns a land the size of two U.P. Diliman campus and still want to go to Europe and leave your kids to some househelp you just  got literally outside your house because you're still in need and want of money. Old and troubled enough kids kill.

9. You know that question about where ducks go when it's cold? Super Inday and The Golden Bibe might have the answer I can live with.

10. Skip this if you can't handle scientific truth: Some of the dreams where Marian Rivera is involved cause me to lose not less than half a cup of bodily fluid. Please don't judge...her.

Wow I never thought the reasons could be a Top 10, too. Well, it really wouldn't have been if I included there this most important lesson I learned from Marian Rivera's Super Inday: to survive a Philippine city sometimes you need to assume that cars talk. 

Happy New Year Marian Rivera and to my 5 Million Readers (Did I say 5 million? I meant  6). Call me. No, really. Please. If you're not Marian Rivera, can you tell me what you think of her in general, if not in this movie?

How To Ignore The Global Warming And Still Live An Awesome Life

"Marine organisms mistake them for food and nibble on them, leading to their death. " - by Anna Oposa on the dangers of plastic in Definitely Filipino's blog post "one sachet at a time"

Then why bother trying to save ourselves from the supposedly environmental hazards of plastic when we can simply blame it to the fact that animals, specifically Marine organisms, are plain dumb beings who deserve to just die? Hey, don't get me wrong: I hate animals. Because it's not like there's even a theory that we humans are by-product animals of time's evolution, right? Even the most blasphemous couldn't bring themselves to saying that God is a dolphin because that's not in the Bible along with everything else that I personally don't approve of. It's not like there's even a theory that can say we're like them and shut up about the fact that I look like a monkey. Why should we think of that when we know there's God that knows what's best for me? Whatever the environment problem is, I'm pretty sure God has enough lifeboats to give us when the iceberg's about to reach my home. Like what happened in Ondoy. Which no matter how you argue it, I know God has a plan for that too. Just see and wait. And don't be reasonable and stop worrying about that idiotic fact that you no longer live where cats don't. And not for the reason that you're above them, cats. Although in a way you kind of are, but let's not get into that for argument's sake.

Also, who said that Fish matter? The science that says Global Warming exists which you clearly know is just pure fraud that's out to stop you from purchasing 18 more iPhones because it's your dream to get complete hearing loss not by using one music player for 18 straight days but by using 12? The 6 others are used for paper weights. Because isn't that also your dream?  And even if fish really do, it's not like we can't find healthier versions of them in Pork, Lizard Intestines, Polar Bear innards when they die of exhaustion because of melted ice, Panda Rind which is a healthier option than Pork Rind (Yummy! Can't wait for the end of the world!) and everything else we can buy in a sachet, right? If you're having a hard time, here are more suggestions for you to get an awesome life while we're at it:

1. Buy 12 more cars. But always be careful: if you can't afford it, just try delaying the purchase. I know it's unimaginably hard for you to only have 7 cars which you each only use once every 2 years, but remember the teaching of your religion: have some patience. If you own a taxi-rental shop, wait for your friend that they ignorantly accuse as your crony to pass the law that will charge extra rental against the Taxi drivers and then enable you to pump more profit out of them. Because if it's between their struggle to survive and your prerequisites to contentment, would you be stupid enough to choose the former?

 

2. Don't Read. Why is there a need for you to enjoy the pleasure of reading that is so cheap, it doesn't even going to cost you even one millionth of the price of your car? Do you want to be associated with being cheap just because it can make you smart when you of all people know nobody could be smarter than a person who has 15 houses, 12 spouses and 13 cars? You're so luxurious, you don't even need to use them because why bother going out when there's 100 pirated videos you can watch at home and 16 hundred bucks to buy pizza and eat with?

Anyway, I just realized that there's no point telling you more suggestions since there's not that many you haven't already heard of. You're the epitome of reason so to listen more from people's poor egalitarian beliefs is obviously a disgrace to your kind.