The 7 Important Life-Changing Tips For A Perfect Pinoy Valentine's Date

 High five? Or if you move an inch-closer, the restraining order will take effect?

1. If he's a lawyer who has potential because he's a Business and Not An Environment or A Human Rights lawyer, marry him. You are 30 and a talentless self-centered pathologically lying libakera and without him, you will fail in your social climbing.

2. If the guy says you're funny and smart and he makes references to Woody Allen movies and books only you among your nonagon of friends would read, he's not sleeping with you. You'd be just his adult doll he will always use to make him even look smarter.

3. If he's awkward and makes no sense, even and especially with his jokes, and you're wearing anything with lace, stay at least a feet away from his pants. A thick fist-size part of his body's about to explode from sex juice and restrained rapist-genes.

4. If you're in Chicken BonChon and he orders Super Spicy Fish Taco and rice and Kimchi Coleslaw and service water, he might have good taste in comfort food but he's also probably an "ex-convict" because he once stole a Chicken BonChon Super Spicy Fish Taco Value Meal from a careless customer who just went to the C.R. (Comfort Room, not Crown Regency). He might also have seen Darren Aronofsky's Requiem For A Dream and wanted you to do The Dildo Scene.

5. If the guy wears a striped shirt with a Dragon drawing (Right, Port?) and then striped shorts and plaid hat and checkered shoes, expect to work when you both get married in a boutique named, "Buy Our Fasshion Because We Know Fasshion and You Don't and Of Course You Are Judged By The Number of "Original" Gucci Bags You Bought With Government Tax Money That You Are So Proud Of Because You Think You Are Smart Enough To Get Away With It! Buy! Believe in God Because God Loves You and If You Don't Believe The Loving God, The Loving God Will Burn You In Hell! Love Is When You Bring Your Loved Ones To Hell and Wish Them Suffering And Longer Life To Suffer Dress Store Boutique Shop". 

Also, expect not to have sex with the guy until he finds the next pair of striped panties and bra, which I'm sure is pretty raaaare in his case.

6. If he suggests you both eat The La La Lah Claypot, he doesn't like you and he wants to torture your tongue. Ditch him immediately. Then go to One Claypot and eat chicken wings to celebrate sincerely/sarcastically.

7. If he owns an iPad and an iPhone 5 and a Samsung Tab and hangs a DSLR over his head because he says he's a digital photographer, tell him while he's at it why doesn't he go to SM squatters area and get the malnourished children to eat his gadgets because isn't he a God-believer and isn't he for the poor? I'm sure gadgets can be eaten by the street children your God loves and the children you both proudly don't care about.

Happy Heart Surgery and Fake Love and Ball Sheet Unmeant Forwarded Messages To You All from 

THE BISAYA SHORT FILMS!