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An Itik’s Etiquette: How To Be Decent Inside Coffee Shops

Etiquette is pointless. Well, unless you don’t want to get punched to the face. The truth is your manners could be of early Tabon men years, and you don't even know it. Etiquette is to remind you this: the pursuit to happiness ends where others' begins, so if you’re in a cafe, you can get your face splashed with boiling coffee if you’re not too careful. Spare yourself the shame and read this guide now on how not to burn your face in a coffee shop.

1. Limit Your Charging Hours

Cebuanos use coffee shop outlets the way the Twilight movie uses the gullible to make Robert Pattinson rich. Most decent coffee shops don’t give usage limit to the power outlet, so it would be heroic of you to just charge your gadget for an hour, take it out and if nobody uses the outlet within thirty minutes, you can use the outlet again. I know, it’s SO HARD to do! You’re an understandably impulsive illegal downloader and you just can’t help but extract Earth’s energy to death! No worries, you’ll work on it.

2. Limit Your Speakers’ Volumes

Cebuanos have seen American Psycho. They will go berserk if there need be. If you play Just Give Me A Reason so loud it triggers tinnitus, you are happily giving me a reason to boil that Samsung Galaxy tablet in human blood. Guess where I’m getting the human blood to boil your tablet in?

3. Limit Your Human Volume

Cebuanos have good taste but are sometimes too sleep-deprived to read James Salter or Georges Simenon or Jessica Zafra. They’re often in a zombie-state mode in coffee shops, so you have to go lengths to make sure they know they’re annoying you (even Hitler would’ve complained). Solution: If the Zombies sit beside you, get your Siri, and shout in the crispiest diction the command: “Ok Siri, can you tell me the most genius ways to help annoying people to shut up and where can I buy the cheapest machete and Tomahawk and gilette blades that serial killers use for their victims?”

4. Limit Your Frappucino Intake

Cebuanos are too bullied by their bosses to notice that they’re bullying the nature, too, with their unnecessary purchases. P200 Earphone Holders. Pirated DVDs they can legally stream for free. Hard Plastic from Frap containers. Anne Curtis’ Song Album. All these are what Jerry Seinfeld could easily claim as unnecessary trash. Everything we have right now is future trash, but some are actually good trash, so why not bring your own tumbler for your Frap and save the earth some extra years so your spawn can enjoy more...trash?

5. Limit Yourself

Do you really need to listen to Toni Gonzaga’s version of Nasayo Na Ang Lahat (My Better Title: Nasayop Ra Ang Lahat) right now where everyone else in the cafe is reading Leo Tolstoy and doing actual work to feed a family of 20? Disconnect that wifi, save your guilty pleasure downloads at home and go read James Salter’s Last Night. Or think of a joke. Like this one: gilibak ang cave unsay tubag sa cave? Eh di, Caver.

You’re welcome.