3 Shocking Ways To Fix Cebu City: An Essay Cut In Three Parts To Address Attention-Span-Challenged Readers

Part 1: See

I think we're all seeing these killings wrong. Why are we so caught up in the news of killings when we've watched too much CIA episodes and we all know that these are just textbook mental problems that a Manila Medical Center psychiatrist can fix? 

Hitler needed professional help. Marcos needed a psychiatrist. Robin Williams, too. David Foster Wallace. The Ampatuans. Your brother who listens to Taylor Swift.  We know the answer is to get them mentally treated, so why keep on talking about it when we all know the quick fix here is: spray behavior-altering chemicals to the mentally ill's bedroom? 

Or force them to get their medication by hiring government agents to put the mental illness medications in the targets' Crispy Pata or Siomai, so when they eat them, they get high or sedated and feel happy and they no longer hurt us, The Non-Crazy People Who Judge People's Friendship Worth According To Where They Went To Vacation Last Year? 

Speaking of Pata, shout out to Alexis Yap, who feeds us the crispiest Alejandro's Pata in town. Of course, I join Cebu Trivia Night. What am I, crazy?

Part 2: Sift

Maybe because people who talk about the killings are paid to scare us and/or tell us the truth? If that's the truth, how much is the extra serving of lies? Because I'm super ordering. I'd love to hoard them lies the way I hoard Ngohiong Sauces from that Ngohiong House at Fairlane; their ngohiong is so good, it's scary. 

So anyway, mental illness. When these crazy people's serotonin and depression levels are regulated, kept at bay, fixed, will there be content for TV Patrol, still? Who will employ Korina and Noli now? 

Because if all the crazy people in the world are cured, what will we entertain ourselves with? Where do we get the true stories blockbuster movies about killings and torture are basing their "Based On True Stories" titles on? 

If there's no more titillating sensational news on TV that skyrocket the ratings and wealth of whoever controls the media, are we all just going to nga-nga? Of course, I'm not talking about Sun.Star Magazine Weekend. No one owns us here. #lies #truth

I think what's better to spend our time on other than reading all of Jessica Zafra's fantastic reviews of unpretentious Filipino media culture are this: solutions.  So I, Richard Joseph Tandoc Abad, from the House of Lola Towing, son of the Sun, reader of James Salter, a responsible citizen of the Philippines, and was once a proud non-voter of Cebu City, and now a currently enthusiastic voter-applicant in Cordova (because I need the ID, and you know, I care for the nation or something like that), present to you The Part Three of this Crossline piece: 3 Solutions to fix Cebu.

Part 3: Solve

1. There should be a GetAJeepney to pair with Get A Taxi app, where call center agents can hire a whole jeep to go home from work, so they're all safe and warm and bonded with teammates when going home.

2. DOST Student Scholars should be required to invent a way to store energy from the trisikad drivers' biking into a battery for people's smartphones. Selfies should be banned for this trisikad-powered smartphones.

3. Before graduation, everyone should be required to watch at least one Bisaya Short Film.